“so… when will you stop being crazy?” – Husband

So today, or yesterday, marks 10 weeks. 10 WEEKS. Huge milestone apparently, and according to my doc, the chances of miscarriage is now down to less than 2%.

That is, providing I’m still actually pregnant. I haven’t had an ultrasound in a week, and my next ultrasound is scheduled next Wednesday. So of course, I’m not convinced everything is alright. Which brings me to wonder… when will I be convinced?

Yesterday I called my husband in a panic asking him to comfort me and tell me everything is fine. He did, but then he followed up with ‘when exactly will you stop being crazy?’

Good question.

Part of me feels that I’m so “crazy” because it’s not public yet. Once people know, it will feel more real. Or maybe once my baby belly stops being so squishy and starts to round out. Or maybe once I feel the baby kicking. Or maybe once I’ve given birth.

I have no idea. I’ve never done this before. I hope it’s the first one.

The problem with miscarriage is that if you’ve had one or more, you’ve googled all sorts of things about it. I have scarred in my brain the stories of many women who have had pregnancy losses at 11 weeks, 14 weeks, 20 weeks, 35 weeks… So with those stories in my brain, it’s hard to convince myself I’m not like those women.

But I need to keep reminding myself that most of the time, the people who post on baby sites are people who have something to say. No one is going to post about how easy and wonderful their pregnancy is. They’re too busy enjoying it by decorating their nurseries and buying cute baby clothing!

As I’ve said before, there have been good days and very bad days. My last good day, I hung new curtains in Peanut’s nursery (a.k.a. the orange room where we store stuff). They look amazing.

Today may be a bad day, but I’m trying to turn it around.

How? By looking at ultrasound photos of other people at 10 weeks. It’s surprisingly helping my mood. I may also start a burp tally. It’s still my most prominent pregnancy symptom and lately, I’ve been worried I’m been burping less. But I think really, I’ve gotten so used to the burping that I don’t even notice it anymore. So if I start a tally, it will prove that my whole ‘OMG I’m miscarrying because I’m barely burping’ panic is for no reason.

Yup, I’m crazy. Can I blame it on pregnancy hormones?

Update: It’s only 10:47 a.m. and I’m up to 20 burps. I’ve calmed the crazy down for this morning at least…

About hotchildinthecountry

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for about two years now. And so far, we've been unsuccessful. We've had two miscarriages to date, and at the moment are working with a fertility clinic to get this baby made! I hope that this blog serves as a reminder that if you are struggling with similar issues, you're not as alone as you feel.

View all posts by hotchildinthecountry →